What is Separation Anxiety?
Separation anxiety is something that almost all children experience at one time or another. It is the distress that children feel when they are separated from a primary caregiver, in most cases the mother. They might feel threatened and unsafe. In this case, the desire to be in contact with missed persons is excessive, extreme homesickness and feelings of misery at not being with loved ones are common.
Separation anxiety usually becomes evident in children beginning when they are around six months of age. This is because by six months of age most infants have developed a very strong attachment to their primary caregivers and this strong attachment leads to feeling of great distress when the primary caregiver and the child must be separated.
Some of the symptoms are:
- Tantrums
- Reluctance or refusal to leave either of the parents
- Repeated physical complaints in the morning before preschool.
- Clinging nature
- Following either parent wherever they go
- Nightmares about separation. Children with separation problems might have scary dreams about their fears.
- Bed wetting
Factors that may contribute to separation anxiety:
- Tiredness
- Minor or major illness
- Changes in the household routine
- Family changes such as birth of a sibling, divorce, death or illness.
- Change in caregiver or routine at day care center.
- Parents usually are not the cause of the separation anxiety, but they can make things worse or better.
How to help reduce the separation anxiety
- Start occasionally by using a babysitter, a helper, taking them to their grandparent’s house or relatives by six months of age. This helps the child tolerate short periods away from the parent and encourages him or her to build trust in other adults.
- Even though children of this age do not engage in cooperative play, what might help is engaging them with peers of the same age, by 12 months. By age three, the child should be experiencing play groups.
- Some form of preschool may be helpful by age 3 or 4. This is especially important for children who seem overly dependent on their parents.
Supporting a child through Separation Anxiety
- When leaving, give a quick kiss and hug and cheerfully say goodbye.
- Don't prolong your departure or come back several times.
- Do not give in. Let the child know that he or she will be all right.
- Leave something behind like transitional objects; blankets, teddies or any other objects of comfort can help a child feel secure.
- Use "key phrases." A key phrase is something that a parent can say that will let their children know that they are getting ready to leave, such as "Good bye. I'll see you soon."
- Avoid making fun of a child's separation distress. Try not to scold child for it.
- Avoid bribing a child, instead spend quality time with them
- Continue with rituals you carry out in the morning and night
- Read books to them, engage in role plays, take them shopping and even walks
Your child needs your constant reassurance that you are there. Once he/she starts getting used to the school routine, their anxiety will slowly reduce and school will start becoming a pleasant experience.
When Parents feel Separation Anxiety
A lot of parents feel extremely nervous when their child begins school. You may worry about your child's adjustment, if your child is being looked after, if your child will be able to make friends, if your child is crying a lot or if you just miss spending time with your child. Your constant worry might even make you want to call up the school just so you can be satisfied, reassured and relieved.
What are some of the things that you can do to deal with this?
- Keep yourself busy by planning and scheduling activities. Get all those things done that were not possible as you were looking after the little one.
- Do something for yourself. Relax, pamper your self at the parlor, exercise or even go shopping for household requirements, take some time out and enjoy the quietness.
- Get support from other parents-get together regularly talk about your child, his/her development, likes and dislikes or share just how much you miss them.
- Talk to yourself out loud that “my child is going to be okay” and “I am going to be okay”.
- Visit family and friends, talk on the phone, email old acquaintances, read a book or even take up a hobby.
Over time, with appropriate measures, separation anxiety will become less intense. Children may, however, experience relapses in separation anxiety such as when they are sick, tired, after a vacation, or if there is a big change in the family like a new sibling or a move. The important thing to remember is that separation anxiety is a normal part of development. Unless the symptoms your child is experiencing are severe or prolonged, there is no need to worry.
